Muscaturi

So you all think that you understand something and that what you have to say is really something that counts. Sau ceva care ar trebui sa ma faca sa vad lucrurile diferit. Ce easy este sa judeci o persoana din afara si sa crezi ca tu poti face better.

Era un timp cand my pain era doar o poveste de pe internet, care va umplea de compasiune. “Oh, I hope she will get over it, I hope she will find happines” And yeah, ce persoane pline de altruism. Such good people. All of you. But how is it to deal with it in real life, my friends? How is to see me in front of you crying my desperation for hours, my eyes swollen and my heart shrinked, unable to answer or react? Si toti credeti ca stiti cate ceva. “Don’t go back there.” “Start to feel different.” “Nu te mai gandi.”

Mona se chinuie singura. Nu-i asa?! Mona, trapped in that something care evident ca nu e love, nu? Asa cum spune Pollak: love doesn’t make you feel like that, love doesn’t make you want to die. love doesn’t make you feel hate. no matter what.

What the fuck do you know about love, Pollak? Mi-ai spus ca eu am fost your biggest love. So that’s all you can do?! A love care dispare dupa 3 luni pentru ca ma gasesti prea distressed to answer the way you expect? Your BIGGEST love nu traieste decat daca se hraneste din something back? What do you know about frustration, real frustration care apare din expunerea constanta, every day, every minute la ceva care este atat de aproape but not for you to touch? What do any of you know how this love, these overwhelming feelings, devin atat de acute incat devin painfull? Do I hurt myself?!

Do I hurt myself?!

Yeah, I’m angry. Because I don’t need to be judge on top of it all! And I don’t need this kind of friendship. Din prima noapte ti-am spus cine sunt, Pollak. I showed you my fears and my life how it is. But you thought that you can change me and you felt in love with this idea. Si cand ai inteles ca nu ma poti schimba. Ca nu poti elimina that huge hole inside me, pentru ca nu stii cum si pentru ca nu esti ready for it maybe sau ce stiu eu de ce nu poti tu, cand ai observat asta, gata. “i felt nothing, nothing at all.” Good for you. But don’t try to think you can deal with pain better when you have no idea what that really is. And I hope for you, you will not.

PAIN

Easy to write it. Here or on my skin with a simple blue pen, pushing the tip of it harder and creating shapes and lines pe care abia le vad din cauza ochilor umflati. Do I sound fake? E posibil, nu? How can someone insist in these feelings and doesn’t try to transform their reallity, nu-i asa? Go ahead and don’t belive me. Nu e ca si cum asta ar schimba ceva pentru mine, daca sunt crezuta sau nu, inteleasa sau nu.