Din Pollak’s Blog

so mona came in bucharest and i…i felt nothing, nothing at all. just a deaf fury rising from my belly. and disillusion. how could i do and say all those things and now feeling absolutly nothing.. it never was something because i’ve never received something in return. and i see so clear now. everything. i see her. so empty and so full in the same thing with something that is not hers. so blocked. so trapped. i see things i cannot tell her. because she doesn’t want to hear them. and i look at her and i see her pain and i listen to her words and there are not real for me and i don’t understand why. there is something strange. i don’t believe her. but why? there are not my problems, i don’t understand them, i can’t contest them. i told her this is not love what she has, or imagine she has. she asked me what love means, and i couldn’t tell her.

there is so much contradiction in what she’s saying, in what she’s acting. like are 2 mona inside her. or more. i saw a human being with extra need of love living and suffering for something that it’s not there. and maybe it never was. love doesn’t make you feel like that, love doesn’t make you want to die. love doesn’t make you feel hate. no matter what. i see her trapped in something that she needs disperatly to believe and she’s afraid to let go and move on. she made a whole universe from that, and she thinks that if she let go she will be left with nothing, nothing to feel, nothing to write about…but an empty space it’s always fill out, in the best cases with something good and new and superior.

and yes if i was to live in mona’s world i would say and trully believe love doesn’t exists. and then again in a world where love doesn’t exists how can you say “i love you”.